Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
