I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
