Kareoke will never be a sober sport
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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