I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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