i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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