I've blown a few things in my day
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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