I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
so much tequila, so little girl.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
