Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
We just shotgunned beers for America
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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