i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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