I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize