the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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