im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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