I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
