Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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