Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
