She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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