ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
