if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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