The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
