I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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