Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
