What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
