2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
being pregnant is like rehab
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
