a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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