yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
