Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We just shotgunned beers for America
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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