yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
