My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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