I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
