McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
