I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
third nipple confirmed
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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