And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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