i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
