No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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