K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
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