that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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