They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize