GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize