I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
