AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
