p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
