If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
