my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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