He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
