dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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