Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize