I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I could fuck to npr.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
