i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
