Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
