Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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