God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
