Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
