It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
