I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
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