I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
