I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize