I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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