ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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