Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
