Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
