I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
