Can i not drive my cunt home
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I just found a bag of teeth...
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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