I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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